I Am The Creatrix of My Life

 In Sacha's Blog

It is Christmas Eve, and I have just finished eating the most amazing seafood dinner with my future in-laws. I have had a few glasses of great wine and am sitting in front of the fire allowing the Christmas Eve bliss to fill me. This may seem like a picture perfect evening and it seems as if I should be feeling happy and alive, but the truth is that I am sitting here with only half a heart.

The truth is I have spent the last few days in fight after fight with my fiancée and yesterday we argued for almost 12 hours non-stop. I do not feel the warm loving heart space I am used to having with him, and given that tomorrow will be Christmas day, it is just not the way I was hoping or fractal-dance-of-joyhad planned tomorrow to go.

Having said that this is not a write up to mope or complain, in fact as I sit here writing this I can feel my power and grace still alive and real deep inside of me.

I know that this anger and upset will pass, and I know that I do not have to have my holiday be impacted or altered by this. I source a lot of my sense of self from my relationship, and normally this would have me feeling empty and broken. But, this time feels different. In fact, I realized today that I can still have sadness and disappointment in my heart without it making my heart dimmed or diluted. I can still laugh and chat with my in-laws and even slow dance with him to old carols. Even though our relationship is strained right now, I do have a choice regarding whether or not it drags me down or dulls my light.

Given that it is the holidays, I am unwilling to have my brilliance as woman dimmed by the circumstances around me. This is a night of bright glowing fires, twinkling lights, flickering candles and sparkles all around. I intend to partner withal of the brightness around me, and make this holiday season as shiny as possible.

I know life won’t always be great, and that I’ll be thrown a curve ball now and then. Sometimes it will be disguised as a fight with my sister, other times it will be a failure or strain in my career, and sometimes it dresses up as heartbreak with the man I love.

Whatever the disguise is, I know that it will come up from time to time, and if I am going to name myself as the Creatrix of my own life then I get to say what and how I handle it. This holiday season I can still love myself and love everyone around me, despite feeling wounded, alone or hurt.

Pain is inevitable, how I handle it? Well that is entirely up to me. This holiday season I plan to celebrate the entire spectrum of my heart, the pain, the joy and the rainbow of glitter in between.

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Showing 7 comments
  • Kayleen

    I never thought I would find such an everyday topic so enghrallint!

  • Reply

    Wow girl you're quick! hehe… I'm thinking of you as well =) I wanted to send you *one* last email before we go, I forgot about your question from last week too :/ Talk to you soon! Love you! =) ~Jess

  • Reply

    "Star should be on the Left." – please, how I put bookmark star back on left position next to the refresh button? is it possible? drag function isnt working too… Thank you very much 🙂

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    Good luck with the Novel. I wrote a PhD thesis once and always had this dream that a Novel would be easier and more fun than that but now I am not so sure! Maybe one day!

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    I love this new web page. Negative addiction YES WEL!!!! So true and I am finding you can try everything I have but when you be oh so peaceful and empowering. Love it Les I will pass it on with love actually that is my new name for my web page I think. PASS IT ON WITH LOVE It will be a web page that passes on love and light and all things wonderful like heartland. I will be contacting your friend to help me set it up when time is right. Love and laughter Kerry.

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